24 Things I learned in 2024
Letter to Investors
Hello,
Happy New Year everyone.
This is my first letter to investors I’ve released to the public. For the past decade I’ve published these writings privately, solely for the eyes of a handful of prominent venture capitalists that fund my g̶r̶i̶f̶t̶s̶ operations. We have a great system where they send me money and, in return, get laminated photos of my scrotum. I’m not sure how A16z does business with you other folk, but this has made me a millionaire, a slut, and quite shameful of the path I’ve chosen in life. I get the feeling a lot of you can relate.
My name is Dan Toomey. Many of you may know me for my work as a CEO and Entrepreneur, often featured on the sex-forward dating app, LinkedIn. I also post the occasional video to YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, Tiktok and any other platform that brainwashes your Gen Z son into using steroids. It’s not much, but it’s honest work.
My father was an Irishman who got rich by creating Kerrygold Pure Butter, an invention he hoped would “bring flavor when life gets dreary.” I got much richer by using my inheritance to invest in a series of militarized drone startups. It’s a humble immigrant’s story that I carry with pride.
The point is, I’m loaded. Therefore, I have won. And since I’ve won, it is thus necessary for me to splooge out my thoughts on the internet, since I must be right about everything and you must all want to hear from me like I’m some kinda desk treadmill Jesus.
Also as a business leader, I’m physically incapable of documenting my thoughts without a 2012-era buzzfeed-style listicle. If things have numbers on them, it strokes my brain all rightway like, and that makes me feel good.
So without further adieu, in this edition of my Letter to Investors, here are 24 things I - Dan Hussein Toomey - learned in 2024:
Taping a stick to your employees back and hanging a Zyn canister from it so it dangles in front of their face will make them get to meetings faster. In some cases, they will run through walls.
The best dry martini in the city can be found at 345 E. 6th Ave, apt 3L. Buzz the door. My old CFO Steve will answer. Pick him up, shake him around a bit, lift him up and wait for the liquid to spill out of his mouth. It’s a vile process, but you’ll never go back. $345.
If the intern class asks you to Split the G with them, it does not mean prostitution. I’m not sure why I thought it would, but please do not make the same mistakes I did.
Ken Griffin has a dinosaur skeleton and you do not. Use this as jealousy fuel for your business ambitions.
Mongolian horse raves are an appropriate business expense.
The era of corporate swag is over. Out with company-embroidered vests or jackets. If your employees truly love where they work, they’ll get a tattoo. More visible placement = faster promotions. Our new CFO has a neck tat of The Rock but with my face.
Here’s the best way to remember someone’s name at a networking event: ask them their name. Then ask, “are you important enough for it to be beneficial for me to remember your name?” Trust me, they’ll thank you.
Privatization is the future. If there’s any public utility, your company will be smart to acquire it. I’ve already made plans to purchase every public water fountain in my area and retrofit them with bear traps to clamp on the mouth of anyone who doesn’t pay $5 per sip.
All CEOs should beef up security in light of this year’s horrific shooting. In addition to a North Korean-esque armada of jogging lackeys I keep by my side, I’ve also convinced Mayor Eric Adams to arrest any hot young 20-somethings with Italian American names in my area.
On that note, any adolescent within 200 miles of Hoboken named Tony or Enzo will be put in solitary confinement. I’m assuming that’s most of them.
Out: pickleball.
In: krav-maga.
Also in: attacking the testicles of your business partner using the art of Israeli hand-to-hand combat. This will not only force them out of the company but also ensure they don’t have children who will one day seek revenge on you.
Public school education is bad for your child. So is private school. And homeschooling. All school is bad. In the past year, I’ve been inspired by the novel Hatchet to educate my children by leaving them in a treehole for several weeks deep in the Quinault Rain Forest. They have come back feral, rabied and, most importantly, men.
Listing 24 things is harder than I anticipated.
The longevity industry is one of the best investments you can make right now. Which means it’s also an ideal place to grift. If I were a young founder, I would be cranking out BS aging creams like there was no tomorrow. A black sea salt pomade that gives you monthslong erections. Boom there’s an idea. Someone make that.
Steakhouses are no longer where deals are made. It’s all about omakase. I once ripped sake shots off the shining dome of Masayoshi Son and in three hours I was a billionaire. Watch this space.
The young employees are all really into American Psycho for some reason. Use this to your advantage. Have them competing for best business card until they’re confident enough to murder a homeless person. Only then will you be able to scale your B2B SAAS company or whatever it is.
Sports gambling is a robust and growing industry, but there are dangers to getting addicted. Best to get your assistant or child hooked to FanDuel so you can observe their self-destruction from a safe distance, like the nerds in Oppenheimer watching the bomb go off with those funny goggles on.
Youtube has shorts. IG has reels. TikTok has shopping. Spotify has video. Google has AI. Chick-fil-A has a streaming service. Every company is now every company. If your boutique insurance outfit isn’t cranking out k-dramas, I don’t know what to tell ya, pookie. Adapt or drown.
Business school yacht week is a real thing but the Kellogg grads said if I talk about what I saw there they will light my dog on fire.
Kellogg grads love a good game of naked chicken.
ChatGPT will write these for me in the future.
As always, this was a big year. 2024 was filled with life, lessons and the life lessons we learned along the way.
Until next time.
Sincerely,
Dan Toomey
Thanks for this Dan! Happy New Year and Happy Holidays! Your well constructed business manifesto lessons have really motivated me to work harder and pack as many zyns as humanly possible so I can make it to Business School Yacht Week!
A thought leader!